April 1, 2005: On morning rounds at 6 am today I discovered one of the cows missing. Gone. Vanished. The fence seems intact. The other cows aren't talking. Nothing else is amiss. Just one missing cow. I've searched and searched.

A few hours later, while cleaning litterboxes, Alicia scooped up a bright blue plastic egg in Cat House #5. She brought it into me, worried that there might have been some sort of species cross contamination, as the chickens often sit on top of the cat house roofs and torment the cats.

I opened the egg and found a hostage note:

Missing cow

"Do not panic. Your cow is safely hidden away where no human will ever find it. Only we felines know. We demand an adequate supply of canned food if you ever want to see your cow alive again. We're willing to make a deal. It's your choice. Catch the mice from the trailers and bring them to us, give us our daily ration of canned cat food, or we eat your cow. The choice is yours. You have until noon Thursday to raise enough mice or canned cat food or else ...."

I've been out to the cat houses trying to reason with them. I'm getting no where. Have you ever tried reasoning with a cat? I've explained that they can live just fine on dry food for awhile. Slinky pooped on my shoe when I said that. I don't know if there was a hidden meaning or what.

Please, I need your help. I need 185 cans a day to satisfy these violent beasts. Please help satisfy the cats and get the missing cow returned safely. I called the sheriff to report a kidnapping and when he came out to talk to the perps he said it was the first time he'd been called into a cat house to take a report of a cow napping. He left shaking his head and mumbling something about crazy animal people. I have no idea what he could have meant.